My mothering misses

If I can be quite frank...well, sometimes this mothering gig is hard work. Not because I don't like being your mum, no, quite the opposite. I am loathe to admit it but occasionally in the sleep-deprived hum drum of it all I've had some near misses and sizeable ones at that. First, there was the time around your 7 month birthday when I put you on the bench while I was preparing dinner. I just couldn't bare to hear you wail any longer and in those early months you did A LOT OF CRYING. The inevitable happened - you rolled off and onto the floor. Thank goodness the lino cushioned your fall and there wasn't any damage. I vowed never to do it again. Then about a month ago while making our morning coffees I propped you up next to the coffee machine so you could watch me froth milk as you always seem so intrigued by the noise. In a somewhat serious voice I told you 'Not to touch anything,' but, low and behold the moment I turned my head away you grabbed the metal frothing wand and well you can probably work out the rest. It was a superficial burn and nothing a little cold water couldn't fix but it could have been worse. 

If these examples seem bad then the hands down worst moment in my mothering journey thus far would have to be one that haunts me every time I step onto the road outside our home. It happened late one afternoon a few weeks ago. We'd been outside playing and I rushed indoors to check on some veges I'd forgotten about on the stove. You followed behind stopping just outside the back door and I could hear you chatting away. I didn't think to shut the gate. I wasn't planning to be long and besides you've never ventured too far away, preferring to hide behind the car or play in the sand if the urge takes you outside. That afternoon was different though. I was part way through blending the veggies and in an end-of-the-day daze when I realised I could no longer hear your chatter. I ran outside but you were nowhere to be seen so I came back indoors and made my way, one by one, through each room of our ridiculously big house knowing your fondness for hide-and-seek.

After not being able to find you I ran back outside to the end of the drive way and there you were all the way on the other side of the road being nursed by strangers. I got over to you as fast as I could, shaking and in shock. You'd managed to cross one of the busiest roads in Perth during peak hour traffic and had come out unscathed. I felt incredibly lucky. I cried for about two hours afterwards as the gravity of the situation hit home. I could have lost you that afternoon and there would be nobody to blame but myself.

It was a stark reminder that there is no room for complacency when it comes to minding a young child. Yes, I should have known better and I should have thought twice about what I was doing but sometimes it's so easy to get caught up in the moment. I won't be able to look at Guildford Road in the same way ever again, let alone cross the road without being reminded of what might have been.

I suppose we all have our moments, even days, of crappy parenting. You know, the ones we wish we could erase from our minds forver. Well this moment is one I won't forget. You deserve nothing less than to be raised in safe surroundings and on this day I failed you. While it's a terrible thing to have to go through as a parent I'm so grateful for this experience. I will never take you for granted again, I promise.

May you always be safe xx

Turning over a new leaf

Your mum has always had a hard time letting go. I don't quite know where this stems from but it's been a persistent quality and one which I could do without. If somebody called me something nasty at school the comment would never leave me. Attacks on my appearance were the worst but even small remarks about the quality of my work did not go unnoticed. If a friend did something wrong by me I would take it personally, dwelling on it for days, months and sometimes years at a time. I know this is totally irrational but it's the way I have dealt with set backs all my life. 

I read an article in a magazine at yoga the other day about letting go. It said that people who are able to let go and move on from hardships and whatever hurdles life throws at them are better off both mentally and physically.

So does caring make we weak? Would it render my kind extinct by Darwinian standards? Being less emotionally involved in people and situations would certainly make me a different person. I like looking out for others. I like doing things well and having my successes acknowledged. But on the flip side the personal anguish of holding on to negative thoughts is something this mum just doesn't need. I don't know how but I need to stop personalising EVERYTHING and start putting some of that energy to better use. 

I've made a start by getting back into yoga which is something I am passionate about. I can already see how light I feel on the days I have practised. It's like the weight of the world is off my shoulders, well except for when I'm in the throws of full locust pose ;-)

And so my mantra for 2013 is going to be to accept the things I cannot change. The list is lengthy and it's about time I let go of circumstances out of my control that are the breeding ground for negative thoughts and feelings.

But how to go about achieving this? Perhaps I'll start by taking a leaf out of your book, Rohan. I admire how easily you accept both your dad and I, despite our shortcomings. How you have the ability to bounce back after hurting yourself or not getting your own way. I love that everything in your little world can be solved with a cuddle. If only life was that simple!

If it makes you happy...

How often do we do something on a daily basis which makes us happy? I'm not referring to our working lives but taking time out for ourselves? Time away from the stresses of daily life? To be honest, I can probably count on one hand how many times I've put myself first over the past sixteen months. Becoming a parent definitely has its demands and expectations and I think it's inevitable that as mums we put duty and responsibility ahead of everything else, particularly those of us that choose to stay at home.

I can't say there are that many things I feel I've missed out on since becoming a parent. Sure there's the lack of adult interaction at work and the feeling purposeful but I do enjoy spending time with my son and I'm sure that if I returned to work soon a huge part of me would be filled with guilt and envy at the thought of be losing Rohan to absolute strangers. And naturally I miss the opportunities to socialise with friends and 'me' time  but most of these things I can and have learnt to do without. 

What I have really been missing (more than a solid night's sleep) is the opportunity to exercise whenever I like, and by exercise I'm talking a solid 90 minute work out. An opportunity to meditate and centre myself. Because yoga is one thing that has the ability to make me truly happy and with every opportunity I have to practice it, I'm reminded of why. 

Bikram (I can't speak for any other forms of yoga but I suspect they are much the same) challenges, motivates and humbles me, it quietens my mind (god only know how much this mind needs quietening!), energises me and teaches me patience and restraint. But most of all, when I'm having a really shitty day it has the amazing ability to quash my negative self-talk without me even realising. I'm making it sound like Bikram is a walk in the park. In fact, the opposite is true. If it were easy I don't think it would have quite the same appeal. It's challenging on so many levels but it's the mental barriers I am learning to overcome that are so much more testing than the physical. Despite this, it's been a godsend. It's helped to lift me out of the yearly depression that has been a part of  my life for as long as I can remember. It's helped me to monitor my anxiety and it's taught me the importance of a healthy diet. My biggest regret is that since having Rohan I've had neither the energy nor the time/motivation to get back into it. Well all that is about to change. This month I am choosing to commit to something that will put me back on the path to happiness. God only knows it's been a bit of a rocky path of late. 

It's not going to be easy and there will be days when the thought of 90 minutes in a 38 degree heated room, staring at my own reflection in the mirror will be hard to stomach. But I know that I can reap so many rewards from this yoga practice and that should be motivation enough. Here's to doing something I have been putting off for way too long - putting my needs first.