A post about yoga

The start of this year has been nothing short of hectic. We've spent time with family in Sydney and have been de-cluttering and house hunting (first for rentals and more recently for sales) and amidst this I've been training for the Yoga Nationals which were held in Melbourne last week. Rohan has also resumed daycare twice a week and so we're adjusting to this too. 

Yoga has been my 'thing' for quite a while. At least in the years leading up to and post Rohan's birth. It's always been my 'go to' place when I've been feeling flat or a little lost, enabling me see life's short-comings in a more positive light. It has most definitely made those long days at home with Rohan all the more bearable and has given me the opportunity to meet some really amazing people. But is that all about to change?

Over the past few months my yoga libido has slumped. I can't quite pinpoint when exactly it started. It was definitely post regionals. I wasn't really anxious in the lead up to Nationals, but rather lacked the motivation and drive for practice. Classes became less enjoyable and more of a chore. I found myself making excuses not to attend, citing tiredness, a fear of injuring myself or discomfort among the many reasons. 

I used to get a real buzz out of going to Bikram yoga and it's not like my practice is perfect, though it certainly has improved in the past few months. But when I'm in class these days I don't find myself trying quite as hard as I would have previously to achieve many of the postures, esp those that have always been a challenge. I just feel like the fire in my belly that used to be ignited from this 90 minute moving meditation has all but extinguished. I can only hope that training and competition are to blame.

Incidentally, Nationals has been and gone in the blink of an eye. Unfortunately, it was not the supportive and celebratory experience I'd imagined it would be. Instead, what I found was people (of both sexes) so absorbed with themselves and the outcome of their participation that they lacked the true sense of what it means to be a  practitioner of yoga - somebody who exudes openness, humility and graciousness. What I witnessed from some of the other competitors really confirmed my initial reservations about competing. In saying that, I definitely relished the alone time and the experience was not all bad as it afforded our team the opportunity to bond and to celebrate one another's successes. However, it certainly tarnished my views of competitive yoga and I don't think it's something I'll put my hand up for in the near future.

We also received some sad news that our coach and teachers, Marc and Christina will be heading home in a couple of weeks time. We knew they wouldn't stick around forever but it did come as quite a shock to us all, especially as the bomb was dropped the night after Nationals. The thought of losing the two people who saw the potential in me and encouraged me to become a better practitioner and person, is saddening. But life goes on and I hope that the friendships I've forged and the lessons I've learnt will stick with me for some time to come. 

Friends past and present

It's been a strange past two years in the friendship department.  Sure, I have made friends since Rohan's birth. I have a small group of mothers that I see regularly, one with whom I share a lot in common. I've recently made a good friend through yoga and of course there are my pre-Rohan friendships too. But the closeness I share with all these friends is quite a different closeness from that which I shared with my now ex best friend.

Among these friends there isn't a confidant and we never catch up to exercise or just hang out with or without kids in tow. It's a more subdued friendship in many ways. It's hard to say whether motherhood is responsible for these restrictions or more to do with the fact that I haven't made a really meaningful connection with another person.

What I miss most about my former best friend is the closeness we shared, the knowing how the other was feeling intuitively. I miss the long chats over Skype, sitting down to reply to letters by hand. The frequent texts sent for no other reason than to say hello. The quality of the communication in this friendship was better than any therapy I've had. I know we each had a genuine care for one another. I miss sharing what's on my mind (and feeling like I could do so without being a burden). It's pointless to compare one friendship to another as no two people/circumstances are the same, but how does one look back on a really exceptional friendship without experiencing a sense of nostalgia?

In a perfect world we would turn back the clock, let bygones be bygones and move forward with our friendships as if nothing ever happened. But life isn't perfect, people make mistakes, words are exchanged and feelings hurt. Time passes by and before you know it, a beautiful friendship becomes but a distant memory.

Do we ever really forget those friendships which leave such a mark on us? Is it right to want to erase them entirely from our memory? Two and a half years on, I am still coming to terms with the loss of one such friendship.

To yoga I go

This post is going to be a deviation from the norm, in that it's not really about you. Well it is and it isn't. It's been quite around these parts for the past few months. I've been meaning to write but much of my time has been taken up with yoga. Obviously you are still in my care 4 out of 5 week days but I have been getting to yoga around 4 times a week and it's made a big improvement to my happiness and confidence.

You are finally beginning to settle into daycare much to my relief. The center you attend can only offer us one day per week and at first I found this really disappointing but one day is better than nothing. You get a breather from me, you get to be around other kids and you get to do and play with some pretty cool stuff. It's a small price to pay.

You are loving life (and TV much to my horror) right now and can name all of your favourite characters on your favourite TV shows - yes there is more than one! At the end of an episode of Peppa Pig or the Bananas you exclaim, "that was really funny" or "that was cheeky" often accompanied by a giggle.

You love to be read to and have begun retelling your favourite story books or making up the words to books you find lying around. It's so sweet and warms my heart. I can't help but think back to when you were little and wouldn't tolerate books at all. It makes me feel like I did the right thing by you by persisting with reading.

Your gross motor skills have come along in leaps and bounds quite literally. You can jump and spin and stamp your feet with ease and you are totally at home on a merry-go-round, a twisty slide and a see-saw. Your confidence around play equipment has just soared (I think partly due to the fact that I have taken a step back and just allowed you to explore alone, without hovering around you) and you can successfully scale ladders, ramps and wobbly bridges.

In between all this growing and exploring your mum has been spending a great deal more time in the hot room. It's during this time that I've learnt so much about myself - about my ability to be patient, my determination, my love of a good challenge. I've also become more attuned to those less favourable aspects of my personality, like my inability to switch off and my tendency to be a little hard on myself when I don't get it right first time around. I am finding that the more I immerse myself in the yoga the more I am beginning to feel like a more well-rounded person - healthier, happier and less agitated. This is undoubtedly rubbing off on you too as we've seen fewer tantrums and meltdowns in the past few months and I can definitely sense a closeness in our relationship, which wasn't there before. 

In short, we've both benefited from some time apart and I hope we can continue to for some time to come. 

Two at last!

It's been a whirlwind of a month and we ended it a few days ago with your second birthday. When I look at you today I can hardly recall the same little man. Something about the past month has changed you, maybe it's the time spent with your daddy or the holiday to Vietnam or even the simple fact of your growth in maturity as you approached your second birthday. Whatever the reason, we've both seen changes in you which make our hearts burst with pride and bring a really big smile to our faces. You are growing up so fast at the moment, it's hard not to love this stage you're at. 

The post travelled Rohan is boisterous and cheeky. I wonder if it has anything to do with all the attention that was showered on you by the Vietnamese. We were all blown away by their genuine friendliness but it was definitely you who was at the receiving end of all the attention. At first this startled you but since your return home we've definitely noticed an added confidence in you and I can't help but wonder whether it had something to do with all the interaction you had with strangers.

You are really quite the parrot at the moment, mimicking our every word and astounding us with your recall of phrases and their accuracy of use. For instance, you recently blurted out 'Slippery little sucker,' at a coloured star on the kitchen floor which you were having trouble grasping. And in true mummy fashion punctuate your frustration with the word 'tricky' so that we know you're in need of a helping hand.

Your hand-eye co-ordination is getting much better and you're having more success building things with your Lego blocks, threading and using your play tools. You can take off your shoes too but you still need a hand to put on socks and get dressed, though you're quite adept at using zips. 

You use three of more words at a time now and indicate a desire to have something with the word 'like'. 

You had your first half day of childcare this morning after two orientation days and I think it might take a while for you to feel settled. I had expected this from the start but it doesn't make it any easier on either you or I. I just hope you know that we love you very much and that we see this as an opportunity for you to grow in your abilities and to gain confidence in new surroundings.You have definitely come a long way in the past few months and will seek out things of interest to you, as opposed to clinging to my side. You are even beginning to approach other children with less trepidation in social situations.

You definitely share your mum and dad's love of food and when I asked you about your day this morning you said, 'eat pasta' as though it were the highlight. The ladies informed me that you'd cleaned off two plates of the stuff during lunch so when we got home and I was tucking into my own lunch, I was quite surprised to hear you request, 'Like Ma pasta' and then steal a few mouthfuls with a cheeky grin.  During our time away you tried lots of new things, namely fruits such as mango, strawberry and coconut. You are really open to new foods and at the weekend joined daddy and I in yum cha where you consumed prawn spring rolls, steamed pork buns, soft shell crab and scallop and prawn dumplings as if they were old friends. 

We love your cheekiness, your energy, the way you approach everything with such zeal. A couple of months ago, I would've said I would be happy to see the back of toddlerhood but something truly amazing has happened in the past month and it's changed the way we all feel and interact with one another. I just hope we can hold onto the positiveness of the past month and use it to shape our attitudes for some time to come.

I for one, have a renewed faith in my ability as a parent and hope that it will enable me to approach the rest of this year and indeed my parenting journey with a new found determination and confidence.

  

23 months old and counting

It's been a little quiet around these parts lately.Your 3 hr day nap has been reduced to 1 hr when you feel like it, which a lot of the time you don't so I am only just adjusting to having nil time to do anything really....oh except go to the toilet, make coffee and fashion together something resembling dinner. 

But difficulties aside, this post is going to be a celebration of new things to come, namely your turning two (next month), our trip to Vietnam (in less than two weeks time) and your starting daycare.

It's been a month or so since my last post but it honestly feels like longer. I've barely had the time to breathe lately and your energy is just growing in leaps and bounds.

You have lots of favourite books and one of your absolute must-reads on a nightly basis is Wombat Stew. I'm sure it's because I tell it so well but you really just love to chime in, 'that, fat wombat,' and many other excerpts as I tell the story. You also love There's a Wocket in my Pocket, A Particular Cow and Stormy Weather.

You have discovered the art of pretend play and one of your favourite things to do is play shops. You regularly demand we do this by announcing, 'shopkeeper, shopkeeper,' and knocking on the fridge door and then proceed to go through your box of goodies and tell me what you have for sale. I really have to get you a pretend play carton of eggs because we recently made an omlette and I allowed you to beat the eggs after I'd cracked them and now you wake up every morning saying 'crack eggs'.

Your newish second-hand kitchen is proving popular as are playdough, finger puppets and mud castles which you make from the dirt outside using one of your plastic drinking cups. You also love to build things with your Mega Blocks and sit in your car. Painting with a roller and drawing 'snakes' with coloured pencils never fail to entertain but you are at your happiest when you are just pottering around outside shifting dirt from the pot plants onto the ground or pretending to vacuum with your hula hoop. 

You are growing cheekier by the day and absolutely dread having your nappy changed. You don't even like getting changed out of your bed clothes as it means having to remove your 'soft long pants' (aka trackies) which are clearly one of your most prized possessions.

In the bath you love to slide along the tiles on your belly and make noises with your foam farm animals. You also like to use your shark water pistol and to splash water everywhere, particularly at me or my many bums.

Your personality is developing all the time but you are still rather cautious and prefer a chaos free environment. The exception to this is mini maestros (your weekly music class) and outings on the train (which we are doing increasingly). Both of these situations have the potential to bring on a sensory overload but you seem to bask in this kind of happy commotion.  

Your verbal language is moving ahead and you can now string three words together and increasingly add please to the end of sentences with a request. How lovely. You did get a taste of 'no way' for a while there but that seems to have lost it's attraction, thank goodness.

In 10 days time we are getting on a plane and heading for Vietnam. I have been discussing this with you for the past few days and you seem pretty excited about the prospect of flying. I am so excited about this holiday. In fact, I've been planning our itinerary down to the smallest detail. We are having a pretty conservative holiday (considering we practically slummed it on a 16 day Intrepid tour through Borneo on our honeymoon) and have elected to visit just three towns over two weeks. The majority of our time will be spent in Hoi An and we are spending 4 nights in Ninh Binh which I am so excited about, having discovered it a few weeks into my trip planning and changing our entire itinerary just to fit around it. 

A week after we return from Vietnam you start daycare for two days a week. I still haven't found work for myself and this has me more than slightly worried but I know that I will be able to go back to doing relief work if the situation calls for it. In many ways I think your starting childcare is going to be harder for me than for you and I do hope this is the case.  

You are nearly 2 and although we don't have a party planned for your birthday I know I'm definitely going to make you a cake - I just have to decide what it will be. 

For all of it's frustrations toddler-hood is actually beginning to grow on me and on you too.

$100 poorer, exponentially wiser

It's no secret this mum has been doing far more sinking than swimming of late. I've moaned about it on this here blog but I've been at a bit of a loss as to how to go about changing habits and fighting my fears, and where on Earth to begin.

If somebody had told me that for a small(ish) price the utter confusion which has become my existence would cease to be, I'd have pushed past gratefully and dove in searching frantically for that sliver of hope. Who knew that in the tangled recesses of my mind a small light could be found shining? Not me! Well, it would seem lots of things are fine, if not relatively normal. I am alright, albeit a little neurotic and unforgiving, but overall OK.

Sometimes having the guts to ask for help is hard but my want for a better life for you and us is what prompted this first step and I'm glad I put my pride aside and surrendered to the call. Opening up oneself to vulnerability is never an easy task but neither is the heartache of a failed relationship, I'd imagine, which is the road we were headed down.

Motherhood can be downright unbearable without the support of family and friends, the expectations we and society places on us, and toss in a generous dose of loss and you've got a recipe for disaster. It's no wonder the darkness had well and truly descended.

Thankfully though, I can see a light at the end of this (long and windy) tunnel and dare I say, everything just might be OK. As of today I am fully retired from martyrdom. Invincible I am not and asking for help is never a sign of weakness. After all, contentment is not a luck of the draw. The difference between sinking or swimming has little to do with the hardships endured and a lot to do with the support received at the other end. I just hope this little family can find the stamina and devotion to ride out this wave.



A little thing called 'Hope'

It's been a while between posts. I've not had a lot of spare time on my hands with dad away but I've also been lacking a bit of inspiration on the blogging front. The days and weeks have all but blurred into moments in time and many of these moments have been tough going, especially with your sleeping out of synch and your recent need to be physically attached to my side 90% of the time. 

On the upside a place has become available for you two days/week at a day care centre nearby. I'm really looking forward to some time to be me again but I'm also worried it will take you a while to settle into your new environment. I know these feelings are totally natural so I am trying not to dwell on them too much. The change of scenery and opportunity for you to experience the world outside of these four walls can only be a good thing. I look forward to you making new friends and learning new skills and I hope that you will grow in confidence as you do this. 

Your dad has decided that family takes precedence over his work and is hoping to negotiate a new role that is entirely office-based. If it comes to him having to find a new job then that won't be such a bad thing. He has plenty of experience and finding something either here or interstate shouldn't be a problem. For now, we will stay put in this house. I can sense that this year is going to marked by change and wherever we find ourselves I hope that happiness will find us too.

As you near your second birthday there is so much that I want to share with you. 

Sometimes your perfect little face just stops me dead in my tracks. 

You are gentle and incredibly funny. You love a good giggle and have a very convincing lion's roar. Hugs with your toys, your mumma and even animals in story books make you smile.

The letter sounds are a source of enjoyment for you and many mornings I wake you you chanting 'e e e - ele (elephant), i i i , h h h. You love any play that involves water or sand or  a combination of the two. Your favourite toy is your digger and you are always spotting cranes and excavators during outings. 

You are learning to take responsibility for your actions, it's a slow process but we will get there. The food throwing and spitting continues but you are slowly beginning to understand that there are consequences for this sort of behaviour. 

Your confidence is on the up and this is no more apparent than during your music class which we attend once a week. For so long you refused to stand up and approach the teacher but that is changing and nowadays with a little nudge from mum you can collect and return your instruments alone and have begun to participate in movement and music making.

Building things is something you enjoy. Many of your toys don't get a look at any more (even recent purchases) but you really seem to enjoy Duplo and Leggo.

It's been five long weeks and your dad is due home tomorrow. I hope the occasion will mark the beginning of changes that we need to make as a family in order to reconnect and prosper.

19 month old you

You're nineteen months old and the past month has seen a surge in your vocabulary. I find myself signing less to you nowadays and you are definitely keen to try and articulate new words. You have a spoken word bank of 20+ words. Among your favourites are 'star', 'moon', 'please', 'boo' (as in peek-a-boo OR your abbreviated form of boob) and non other than 'bra'. At least you've got a sense of humour! You've also mastered nouns like car, cheese, juice and bee and have recently adopted the adjectives 'more' and 'cold'. 

You have really started to delve into books and I find that we spend at least 15 mins during the day (outside of your bedtime routine) reading and browsing. Among your favourite titles to date are: 'Say boo to the animals', 'Tip tip, dig dig', 'Let's Go Visiting', 'Dougal the garbage dump bear' and 'How loud is a lion?' I love the rhythm and repetition in many of these books and I know you do too. You love to join in when we come to a point in the story that you know, like to declare, 'boo' when we read 'Say boo to the animals' or when prompted to say what each vehicle does in 'Tip tip dig dig', you sing away your response. 

The tantrums continue and I am trying my best to ignore them but lately the smashed plates and food hurled everywhere, including in my face is starting to wear on my patience. I know it's a mixture of frustration and wanting to test the boundaries but it doesn't help when we are three tantrums in and lunch hasn't even come around. I am trying to focus on not reacting too much to this behaviour. You were very obliging when I told you today that you would have to clean up the mess you made on the floor after breakfast but in all honesty, I would have been better of doing it myself such was the resulting work you made for me ;-)

It's not often I take the time to just sit and watch you. I find that with your growing independence that I use more of your 'awake' time to busy myself with housework. I don't like that I am doing this but lately it's been a necessity, esp for my sanity. The other day while we waited for dad to get home I closed the back gate and I sat out in the driveway and watched you play on your John Deer quad. I don't know when it happened but you taught yourself to push your feet along the ground and effectively drive your quad. You can move backwards too and worked out that if you push yourself up the slope and into the carport that you can roll back down again. You seem to know intuitively when it is time to apply the breaks so that you won't collide with the fence. I just love the massive smile you get when you are busy learning and exploring.

You're still shy and I am working harder to accept this - it may or may not be a personality trait but it's not something that I can change anyway.

Your frustration threshold as it an all-time low. Sometimes all it takes is seconds before an inability to do something will go from being annoying to becoming full-blown tantrum material.

You have started spitting out your food, seemingly for no apparent reason. If it doesn't get hurled on the floor it gets returned to your mouth where it is promptly eaten or discarded for something more appealing.

You find the feel of your belly button and the sight of my bra absolutely hilarious and you get excited by squishing my knees.

Piggy-backs are still pretty cool and the mere mention of 'aeroplane' is enough to send you into a giggling frenzy.

Juice is your favourite liquid and your foods of the moment are meat and cheese and bananas.

You have a funny way of articulating 'star' and 'moon' (which incidentally were two of the first words you spoke). You pronounce the 'st' in star as a hard 'g' and and emphasise the 'ar' so that it sounds like you're saying gaaaaaaaaar. Moon is much the same only the final 'n' is silent so it's like old McDonald's farm on constant replay. You are so quick to spot stars and the moon wherever we go. In shop windows, on the street, in the sky, on other people's clothing. It's pretty cute, I'll tell you.

Everything at the moment comes back to sleeping and eating. You do the signs for sleep and food all the time but their presence is seemingly unrelated to what is happening at the time. For instance, every time we read 'Tip tip, dig dig' you do the food sign at the end of the book or you do the sign for sleep five minutes after you've woken in the morning.

You totally dig the water but you are much more cautious of venturing too far from my side these days and have taken to holding my hand during a dip down by the river or a swim in our local pool. You even seem to freak out if either dad or myself gets out of the shower without you in tow.

Next week your dad heads off-shore for another month and while I respect that this is part and parcel of his work, it's really not helpful, neither in an emotional (relationship) nor a practical sense. On top of that it's starting to contribute to feelings of resentment on my part. Especially now that I am willing and ready to return to work and many part-time jobs, which I am interested in applying for, have evening and weekend commitments. Considering the fact that the pay scheme for these job is pro-rata, hiring a baby-sitter for up to 10 hours per week just doesn't seem viable. Ah well, I can only keep looking! Am I being selfish? Are these feelings warranted? I know that I am no longer happy in Perth but is it your your dad's work commitments and the fact that we don't have family close by to help out, or it is my role as a stay at home mum and extended absence from paid work that are contributing to this dissatisfaction.

A new year, a new beginning?

This April will mark five years since we moved to Perth and while we've had our fair share of happiness and fun times, since Rohan's birth I've no longer felt a connectedness to the state but have instead felt a longing for family.

Rohan has seen my family on only a handful of occasions since his birth and while we have been blessed with many visits from my in-laws the feeling of isolation has magnified in the past 18 months.

I've never felt a need to be near family quite as much as I do right now and as we welcomed in the new year yesterday in sweltering 35 degree heat, I couldn't help but wish that it would be the last Perth summer we would have to endure.

So where is home? I don't really know. Our families are on the Gold Coast and in Sydney but I think anywhere along the south east coast would do. Work for  Mark isn't going to be easy to find in these areas and would perhaps be limited to the capital cities. Neither of us is really keen on living in Sydney but right now a move anywhere out of Perth would be welcomed (at least by me).

2012 was not the kind of year I'd have liked it to be - there was a death close to home, the loss of an important friendship and our relationship that took a back seat to all the other 'stuff' in my head. This period of suffering has been exacerbated by poor eating and a less than ideal exercise regime. How do these admissions make me feel and how am I going to turn the misfortune of the past year around so that 2013 can be a better year? Strangely enough I feel guilty about the past year as much as most of it has been out of my control. I just really want to wipe the slate clean and for 2013 to be a joyous year.

I don't usually make new years resolutions but perhaps now is the time to start. So this year I will exercise more, eat better, laugh more and worry less, I'll be kinder to myself and expect less from others. There's a start. Maybe I can add to the list as the year progresses.

Rohan dancing gangnam style

NYE at Northbridge Piazza