My bad hair month

I'm sure it feels as if I'm becoming progressively cynical with each new post. I guess I'm in a bit of a rut but this has been months in the making. Sure I could blame these feelings of despondency on any number of events, like losing my grandfather, being rejected by my 'best' friend or even the fact that one year on, I am still yearning for a decent night's sleep. All of these things are frustrating, even heartbreaking but really they aren't responsible for this rut I'm in. They're merely timely diversions. 

See, now more than ever before I'm coming to realise things about myself that are downright scary. Socially I'm awkward (more than awkward), I lack direction (on the work front) and I'm riddled with low self-esteem. That's right, not lice nor zits  but a dismally low self concept. Now alone these qualities mightn't seem that debilitating but lump them all together and you get the weight of the world on your shoulders, well almost. Oh, I'd give anything to be someone other than myself sometimes.

I have experienced so many different emotions since becoming your mum, but the one that tops them all is GUILT. Right now I feel as though I should be returning to work just like so many of my mummy friends have. Not only do I feel guilt related to being a SAHM but also guilt about my career and where that's headed. I also feel guilty about wanting to do something besides dote on you all day (much as it brings me great pleasure). Above all, I'm worried about not being a good role model to you Rohan because I want you to be proud of me.

I'd love to have a spare 30 minutes each day to do something selfish  like read a book, write a letter, exercise without the pram, watch all those back episodes of Offspring I've missed, call family, wash my hair (and straighten it), shave my legs, eat lunch sitting down, bake a cake, finish knitting your beanie, plan your first birthday, catch up on lost sleep, heck even finish this post (I've been at it for days). 

I wish I had that glass half full attitude and wore it proudly like a badge but sadly that's just not me most of the time. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being your mum but it's not easy. Moherhood is lonely,  often-times unrewarding and it demands so much of me, more than I have to give lately.

I don't wish I could turn back time, not for an instant, because I really love little you but I do wish there was a way to get more out of my days while still enjoying the business of being your mum. You know, finding the balance. as the experts would say.